


First Kiss

by whattheheckdidyoudo



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Awkward First Times, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, Heavy Petting, Jeremy is really straight and Michael is really gay, M/M, Making Out, Pre-Canon, This takes place two years before the events of BMC, Trans Michael Mell, suicidal thoughts mention, yo okay heads up theres making out and touching in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 11:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11850900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whattheheckdidyoudo/pseuds/whattheheckdidyoudo
Summary: No strings attached, right? Just a quick kiss? Not for Michael Mell it isn't.(The Rape/Non-Con warning isn't entirely true, but I thought I'd include it just in case. Be careful if you have any triggers.)





	First Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so be careful kiddos. This fic has bad morals sex wise. Michael believes it's right to use sex as a way to keep someone around. It's not.

'Fifteen and never kissed.' Michael thought as he fell back into his bed after a long day of school. It was Valentine's Day, which meant a lot of horny teenagers were sticking their tongues down each other's throats all day. 'I'm pathetic.'

Thoughts raced through his head. Not even a peck on the cheek. No little boyfriend when back when everyone called him Darna. Nothing. Even Jeremy had kissed someone. Jeremy was always loved by girls in elementary school, because he would play dolls and house with the little girls. When Amanda insisted they had to kiss in third grade, he didn’t refuse. And of course, even then, Michael felt that stupid twinge of envy. Even when he was so small, he would get jealous that anyone was taking Jeremy's attention away from him.

Michael then questioned in his mind if that third grade kiss counted. He eventually decided that it didn’t matter. Jeremy still had more experience than him.

So, of course, he called Jeremy to complain.

"What's up, dude?" Jeremy picked up quickly.

"Jeremy, we're in high school, and I've never kissed anyone." Michael whined.

"C'mon, Mike." Jeremy started groaning. "I cannot hear you complain about never being kissed for one more minute."

"But Jewemy!" Michael used his baby voice. "Jewemy, you're my fwiend!"

After a few minutes of Michael's grumbling and whiney voice, Jeremy sighed more loudly than before.

Michael started to apologize for being so annoying, but Jeremy said something first.

"If you really want to get it over with that much, I could be your first kiss." Jeremy said nonchalantly.

Michael felt time slow down. His stomach twisted in a way that spread to the rest of his body, and he realized that he wasn’t breathing. 

He wanted it. He wanted to scream "YES!" into the phone. 

"No strings attached." Jeremy added. "Maybe it could even calm me down after that damn Geometry test."

So much of him hated the idea though. No way would he be able to kiss Jeremy and feel no attraction to him. If Michael already had a bit of a crush on Jeremy, no telling what kissing would do to him. It would change something between them, he knew. His heart screamed no, but he felt his mouth move.

"That'd be great."

Jeremy arrived the next day, and Michael could feel the nerves build up. He was already high strung from the lack of sleep last night. Every single time he started to doze off, he would think about Jeremy's lips, or his curly hair, or Michael's hand on his bony hip.

By the time Jeremy arrived, Michael was visibly exhausted. So obviously that the first thing Jeremy said to him was, "What the hell did you do last night, Michael? Did you stay up until 4:20 AM again?"

"Heh, yeah." Michael laughed nervously. "It's prime meme time."

"You're such a nerd." Jeremy shook his head. "Let's get this kiss bullshit over with." He leaned in way too fast and bumped foreheads with Michael.

Suddenly, Michael was about as awake as he could be. 

"Woah, Jere!" Michael exclaimed. "Not on my front porch, jeez."

Suddenly Jeremy's face was hot with shame. "You're right. Sorry."

"No, it's fine." Michael smiled a bit. "Let's just, y'know, do this in my room."

They both sat on the edge of Michael's bed, not exactly knowing what to do, or how to start.

"So, um." Michael muttered.

"Yeah, heh." Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck. "Should I just...?"

"Here, Heere." Michael joked. He placed Jeremy's hand on his cheek. "Start there, I guess.

"Okay." Jeremy sighed. "Sorry, but this may be the crappiest first kiss ever."

 "Couldn't be worse than no kiss at all." Michael reassured him.

So, Jeremy leaned in, spurred on by Michael's words.

The kiss was wonderful. Michael felt like he was walking on clouds. Excitement flooded his stomach, and even though Jeremy wasn’t the best kisser in the world, Michael knew he could get addicted to this feeling.

Jeremy leaned back slowly, his hand still on Michael's cheek and his pale face bright red. For a moment, neither of them said anything.

"That was good." Michael breathed heavily. "That was..."

Jeremy's lips were on his own once again, more desperately this time. Jeremy bit Michael's lip, making the boy gasp.

'I don't want this anymore.' His thoughts screamed. 

Jeremy's fingers were under the hem of Michael's shirt, cupping the chub of his love handles.

'No strings attached.' Jeremy's words echoed through his head.

Jeremy's hand brushed across his binder, and his pointer finger slipped under it.

'I'm just a stress reliever.' Michael thought more as Jeremy opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. 'This isn't love.'

Jeremy's hand cupped his breast. His other hand was running through Michael's hair. 

'This is just a quickie for him.' Michael's heart dropped in his chest.

But at the same time, maybe he could pretend this meant something. Maybe Michael could make Jeremy love him. Maybe this was some sort of love.

So Michael let Jeremy continue. He even participated a bit. Michael kissed back and grabbed Jeremy's hips sometimes. He kept holding onto the hope that maybe Jeremy would love him after this. 

'Maybe.' The word repeated in his mind like a mantra.

That was until Jeremy shattered the dream.

Michael put his hands into Jeremy's hair and, not completely on purpose, pulled at the locks gently. Jeremy gasped, and as he breathed out, a name floated on his breath.

"Chr...istine." He sighed out.

Michael's hand tightened into a fist against Jeremy's head. He could feel his teeth grit and his eyes well with tears.

"Ah, Jesus, too hard!" Jeremy reacted to the fist pulling his hair.

"Jeremy..." Michael's voice broke. He would've been embarrassed, but he could only feel anguish. "What the fuck did you say?"

"That you were pulling too hard, man." A second after he finished talking, realization dawned over his face. "Oh, Jesus, Mike. That's no-"

"You bastard." Michael ripped Jeremy's hand out from under his binder. "Do you see me as a girl? When you close your eyes, is it easy to pretend I'm Christine?!"

"No, Michael, I'm sorry! I thought this didn’t mean anything to you! So, who cares if I think about a girl, right?" He tried to explain.

"It's a little fucking different when you're touching my tit and thinking of a girl!" Michael yelled. "Were you planning to go all the way, you idiot? Were you planning to have sex with me and think about Christine?!"

"Michael..." Jeremy sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Please tell me no." Michael could feel his voice break again and a new batch of tears run down his face.

"I won't lie to you, man." Jeremy wouldn’t meet Michael's eyes.

"God dammit. And I would've let you too! I'm such a fucking idiot!" Michael pulled at his hair and kept his head down. He was trying so hard not to let Jeremy see the wreck he was becoming. "If this didn’t mean anything to you, it won't mean anything to me either. Get the fuck out."

"Michael, we can pretend this didn’t happen..." Jeremy looked pained. "We could go play Apocalypse of the Damned."

"Do you pretend you're playing video games with girls you like too?" Michael's lips were upturned in disgust. He wiped some snot off his upper lip quickly. "When I play with your hair, do you fucking get off on that?! Am I a girl to you, Jeremy?!"

"No, Michael! I was the first person you told, remember?" Jeremy took Michael's hand, and for a moment, Michael felt himself blush like none of this had ever happened. "You're my bro."

Michael wiped away some tears, but his mouth stayed in a frown.

"Please just go." He sighed. "I'm pissed as fuck, but I'm still your friend. I know you'll have a panic attack if I don’t tell you that. Just... Go home please."

"Yeah. That’s fair." Jeremy hid a few tears of his own. "I'll go. I fucked up. I'm just... sorry. No excuses."

"See you on Monday." Michael kept his eyes focused on his knees.

"See you, dude." Jeremy looked like he wanted to say more, but just dropped it.

And now, with only himself and his thoughts, Michael could break down into a teary, snotty mess.

Years later, when kids got meaner and more people teased the two, he would think about that night. When kids would ask if they were dating, Jeremy's confident "No." would break his heart.

And in that dirty bathroom before Jeremy called him a loser, all Michael wanted to say was, "Please, just have sex with me if it will make you come back. I'll do anything."

Part of him was glad he didn’t say it, because that would've been so humiliating, but another part of him would have done it. Sexual favors didn’t seem so scary anymore if it meant Jeremy would come back.

His stomach twisted every time he looked at Christine. Such a sweet girl, so kind to Michael. Yet, she felt like some kind of enemy. When Christine and Jeremy started dating, Michael broke down once again. 

'Third times the charm, right?' He thought. 'Maybe if I have enough panic attacks, I'll finally off myself for good.'

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr is norskinuggets.
> 
> I may make an alternate and happier ending if anyone is interested.


End file.
